Britney’s Gym, Which Was Burned Down, Is Fine Now

Britney’s Gym, Which Was Burned Down, Is Fine Now

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude..

This may come as a shock to you, but Britney Spears’s home gym burned down. But, don’t worry because maybe it’s rebuilt now? Either way, she’s standing in it. You could even say the walls of the gym are stronger than yesterday and now it’s nothing but her way. How do we know this information? Why because content queen Britney Spears told us herself at the top of an Instagram video that was, shockingly, not actually about her gym, fire, or her gym catching fire. The fire was just prologue.

“Hi guys! I’m in my gym right now,” Britney says at the top of her video standing, by all appearances, in her gym. “I haven’t been in here for, like, six months because I burned my gym down, unfortunately,” she continues. This is how we need to be jumping into every conversation these days. None of this small talk; none of this “how are you?” mumbo jumbo. You need to be entering every Zoom meeting and FaceTime hangout with the laconic spirit of Britney Spears casually mentioning massive property damage. I’m presuming this is the first time she burned down her home gym (although there is literally no indication that that’s true). Nevertheless, this admission has huge “Oops, I Did It Again” energy. We don’t pay enough attention to that “Oops.” That “Oops” is doing a lot of work there. Britney has been preparing us to hear disturbing information delivered with complete nonchalance for at least 20 years.

You know what other word is doing a lot of work: the way Britney says “unfortunately” after telling us that she burned her gym down. I have never been more delighted by a redundant adverb. Britney is very chill about the whole “the gym, twas burn’t” thing but she wants us to know that this is not good news. She throws that “unfortunately” on there like she’s telling us that she can’t come to your birthday party because she has parent-teacher conferences that night. Britney Jean: queen of somehow both underselling and overselling truly confusing news since she advised us to dance through an apocalypse on “Til the World Ends.”

So, if you’re just joining the broadcast—no big deal but Britney Spears’ gym: burned to the ground like some off-kilter Little Fires Everywhere promotional campaign. (“These little fires are everywhere!”) And yet! Here she stands, six months later, in the gym. A miracle. She knows we probably have some questions and Britney has never been one to withhold answers. She explains: “Um, I had two candles and, yeah…” Here she gestures off-camera as if to the blank on a MadLib that we are already filling in. Cut to us, sitting at home in our unburnt rooms with one candle going, nodding our heads sagely like “Ah yes, two candles in the gym. I see where this went wrong.”

In case you don’t quite see the connection, the singer who in “Circus” informed us “I’m like a firecracker; I make it hot” continues. “I had two candles and, yeah, one thing led to another and I burned it down.” Of course! That age-old culprit: one thing leading to another thing! Which, naturally, leads to a room of exercise equipment catching on fire!

Pictured: One thing leading to another.

Having finished her story with no loose ends or remaining questions, Britney seamlessly transitions to the real purpose of the video: a time-lapse video of her doing a workout with the two pieces of equipment that escape immolation. Her mind! Of course Britney has been the queen of the transition since she started “Womanizer,” a song about calling a man a womanizer, with the casual greeting “Superstar, where you from, how’s it going?” Britney Spears will jump right into fire news, but if she needs to make a damning accusation she’ll deign to engage in a little small talk. Brilliant.

One might think that Britney would elaborate a little more in the comments on the video, especially after people started asking questions. One would be wrong. She writes,

“It was an accident ….

but yes …. I burnt it down 🙈.”

Someone please cast her as Mrs. White in the Clue remake. “Yes, yes, I did it. Flames… flames… at the side of my gym…”

She continues, “I walked past the door to the gym and flames 🔥🔥🔥🔥 BOOM !!!!!! By the Grace of God the alarm 🚨 went off after that and yippy hoorah nobody got hurt 🙏🏼. Unfortunately now I have only two pieces of equipment left lol and a one-sided mirror gym 🙄🙄🙄 !!!!! But it could be much worse so I’m grateful. Pssss I like working out better outside anyways 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸 !!!!” Yippy hoorah, indeed. And thank goodness for Britney Spears.

R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column “Eric Reads the News,” which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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